Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Rhiannon's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
1:27 am	She Dreams in Color, She Dreams in Red... Sleeping on the couch feels a little less like sleeping alone, so that's where my few zzz's have been caught over the past week. Unfortunately all I have to show for it is the bags under my eyes, wicked knots between my shoulder blades, and a tweaked neck. Anyone with mad massage skills would be greatly appreciated right about now. You bring the sleeping pills, I'll provide the beer. On a lighter note, things are finally starting to get back to normal around here. Singledom is highly underrated. Current Mood: awake (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 19th, 2007
10:54 pm	Ringfinger. Promise Carved in Stone. Tomorrow brings a fresh start. A new year, belated, with new opportunities and new focus. For so long I have allowed myself the illusion of you, always so close, no more than words away, yet worlds away. For these simple words my heart has longed, over their absence it has grieved. I have died a thousand deaths, and shed as many tears in your name. Time seems to take its own sweet time to do its healing. And tomorrow is my chance to finally start helping it along. No longer will I sit transfixed, motionless, drenched in the image of you. Beautiful though that image may be, I will surrender it, and embrace again the life of your absence. Life was once laced with hope and wonder, when the image of you glistened in the brightness of a day to come. It has lost so much of its charm as that image has faded into night, into the darkness of silent, untouchable shadows. Tomorrow I will find new light, within me, without you, and renew again this life that is all I call my own. Today I will allow myself to stay drenched in your image one last time, and shed one final tear in the name of love unrequited. Current Mood: listless (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 15th, 2007
11:07 am	The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most I've spent the past 6 months in a bit of an ignorant bliss; completely happy with the person I was with, but the circumstances were eating me alive. I brushed past them, thinking that I could accept whatever was handed to me. Someone who turned out to be more broken than I am, and far more haunted. It scares me to see what he has become; self-destructive and self-loathing, seeking to destroy the source of any happiness that comes his way. Why people in general have to make things so difficult is beyond me. Life in essence is very simple. Every day I fight the good fight. I take note of all others around me and do what I can to help. Keep the ghosts at bay, carry on. Hope to find someone to love me for my heart, but know that those come few and far between. In the meantime, I work to live a good life, immerse myself in friends and family, and hope that I can forget you. Last night was the longest I've had in awhile. Everytime I closed my eyes I realized that I would never feel your arms around me as I slept again, and realized that the protection I needed the most was protection from you and how this would all play out. I cried until I fell asleep, and dreamt that last night had gone differently. My tears gave me strength. I wiped away your favorite band with the back of my hand. I lost your first job somewhere in a box of tissue. Your middle name soaked into my pillow. I lay there, eyes red, hands soaked, body shaken... and I just couldn't do enough to forget you. Current Mood: crushed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
1:01 am	Rising From the Dead... Well, I figured that after a little more than 8 months of silence, I should post something here. I find it a bit odd that I don't update more often since it seems that just about the only place I really feel at home is at the keyboard, as geeky and frightening as that sounds. I've noticed that over the past few months, I haven't been nearly as in touch with my thoughts, and for good reason I think. My thoughts will be the death of me. I don't mean that in a morbid way at all, so don't see that as being sulky or prophetic. Going about life in a state of ignorant bliss seems to be the way to go, at least for the time being. I'm deathly afraid to even let myself think about what it is that I really want, let alone say it out loud, and I certainly won't post it here. Life, or what I know of it, is very good. I'm still in real estate, and am now the proud owner of Sofa King Special Fine Furniture. If I hear that you're planning to buy a house or any new furniture and you don't ask or talk to me first, I'll be forced to kill you. Or at least leave you a nasty comment. Be afraid. I'm now hiking the dish at Stanford every Monday and Thursday after work. If any of y'all would like to join me for a li'l 4 mile hike sometime, I'd be glad to have ya. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 2nd, 2006
4:52 pm	Should auld acquaintance be forgot... I'm in love with a stripper named Noel, found out that I can still win at poker while completely wasted, and am never drinking whiskey again. Here's to an awesome NYE, and to a great year ahead! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
2:46 am	"It's too late to talk to you And it's too soon to say good-bye Listen wherever you may be You still live inside my mind Something tells me that you are free again In a place that feels like home It's never easy to understand Why memories hold our hand But people let go." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
4:05 am	Not So Loving Memories... I hate my memory. I hate this “gift” that cements in every taste, sound, feel, scent and scene that if given the choice, I’d elect to erase forever; a knack that seems so helpful, but haunts my dreams. I hate that so many of these memories are attached to the house that I grew up in, that nowhere else has felt like home. I hate hearing the creak of the garage door, what each of my family member’s footsteps sounded like as they walked down the hallway, the doves cooing next door… I hate feeling the cold tile on the kitchen floor under my feet, the bark of the apricot tree I used to climb; remembering exactly what it felt like to run my little fingers over the crack in the leg of the Cuban statue that my dad had on his dresser. I hate smelling Christmas not just anywhere, but in our house; the smell of the air on Easter morning in the backyard… Nana, I hate that I can remember the way that you smelled when I timidly walked out of my room after the firefighters rushed Evan away, and you threw your arms around me and told me that he didn’t make it. I cried myself to sleep in your lap, and I’ve always hated it, but your smell perpetually reminded me of that day. I hate that now all that I have of you are these memories and by God… they’re just not good enough. I hate that your last words to me will echo in my ears for years to come… I hate that you couldn’t live long enough to see them through. I hate knowing that at any given moment, my hand will for no good reason feel the slight pressure of your grip as we held hands while you were sleeping and I cried silent tears. I hate that I can’t believe in any sort of God who would take away such a good person; someone who wanted to live so desperately and who was so afraid to die. I hate that my mom is now motherless and feels so lost… and that I can’t do anything to change that. I hate that despite how strong I feel that I am, these vivid memories make it so difficult to move on. You don’t know what I would give to see some sort of sign tonight that you’re now at peace, and that you have Evan with you. I hate that it will never happen. There is not a word that I despise more than “hate,” but right now, I hate the world. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Breathe Me - Sia (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
5:38 pm	Alright, alright... I know I haven't posted in awhile, but all you get for now is a silly test result. Veddy veddy innnnteresting. More Scientific You have: 85% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and 62% EMOTIONAL INTUITION</b> The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored above average on emotional intuition and well above average on scientific intuition.Your scientific intuition is stronger than your emotional intuition. Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake. Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences. My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Scientific You scored higher than 99% on Interpersonal Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating Current Music: Banquet - Bloc Party (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
8:32 pm	Since around 5 a.m., I've constantly been on the verge of tears. Every time someone asks me how I'm doing, it takes every ounce of strength that I can muster to hold back the liquid welling up in my eyes and squelch the deep, gut-wrenching sob that's been just waiting to make its escape. I'm exhausted. Hiding from the complete meltdown that's lurking just around every corner is awfully tiring. If it were about work, this wouldn't even be an issue. Love? I've stopped crying over boys! I've been doing so much hand-holding lately, being the rock that I've always been, that I hadn't noticed that the hands that would give mine an assuring squeeze had quietly slipped away, thinking that I didn't need them anymore. I wonder when the word "conditional" slipped into their definition of family. I want to crawl into bed and wish the world away. I'll probably be fine in the morning. Current Mood: distressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 14th, 2005
2:57 am	Looking for a little hope... I was staring at the sky Just looking for a star To pray on, or wish on Or something like that I was having a sweet fix Of a daydream of a boy Whose reality I knew Was a hopeless to be had But then the dove of hope began its downward slope And I believed for a moment that my chances were Approaching to be grabbed But as it came down near, so did a weary tear I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag Hunger hurts, and I wanted him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I've got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb Looking for a little hope Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine, And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified Come on put a little love here in my void" He said, "It's all in your head" And I said, "So's everything" but he didn't get it I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy Hunger hurts, and I wanted him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I've got to fold because these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 16th, 2005
1:36 am	The End of an Era I just got home from the last ridealong I'll ever have with my dad. He's retiring in 3 weeks, at the age of 50. Must be nice. I'll terribly miss going on patrol with him. The past few years I've gone, it's been the only time that it's just the two of us; no wives, no boyfriends, no other family.... just us. The time spent is always bittersweet; I love being out there, interacting with people, feeling that he's making the city a safer place, but at the same time, it kills us both to know how much I enjoy it, but can never be a part of it. For any of you who don't know, it's always been my dream to be a cop. Not to harass civilians or abuse my power (and what power it is! muahaha), but to genuinely protect and serve the public. The only thing stopping me from living out this dream is a silly little spinal fusion or two. Something about the liability of being injured on duty. Bah. I swear, if any police department in this country were to tell me that they would hire me if I would tear through my own flesh with my fingers and rip out the titanium rods and screws from my spine which are preventing me from getting such a job, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Hell, I'd even throw myself down some stairs to prove that it doesn't hurt (much). Growing up, I was always convinced that I could somehow save the world. I've never lost that notion, but have accepted that it has to be done one person at a time. Tonight we came across a woman who had become completely dependent upon her boyfriend for the past 10 years who today decided to throw her out with nothing to her name. She was in bad health due to what looked like doing bad crank for 30 years, and didn't have a penny to her name.  Granted, she was drunk at 7pm, but I desperately wanted to somehow take care of her... give her money for a hotel room, buy her dinner... but I knew that wasn't the answer. As soon as I was gone, her problems would return, and I was at a loss as to what to do. Even so, it wasn't my call. We took care of her as best we could. As we were leaving, I know that my dad could see it in my eyes. He said, "We can't save them all, but we can't harden our hearts to them either." It was good to know that I'm not being just a big softie; that he understood. Tonight I also realized that I have an issue from my past that I haven't properly dealt with. It came up as a bit of an issue in my polygraph, because I still haven't gotten over it. I make it seem like it was a bit more consensual than it really was, because I've always refused to let myself be a victim. I'm finding that I'm becoming more of a victim of it now because of my tough as nails attitude about it in the past. I'm learning that I have to be more honest with myself and know that even a tough cookie crumbles a bit on occasion. I didn't get the dispatch job with Milpitas PD, despite the fact that I was their number one candidate throughout the whole process. I don't understand it, and can't get a straight answer from the department as to what went wrong. In fact, I haven't gotten an answer at all. Probably not the department I want to work for anyway if that's how they operate. I'm a firm believer that when it's time, I'll get hired by the perfect department for me, because I'll be the perfect candidate for them. Such a setback still stings, and even though I was at the top, I still wonder what I could have done better. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Helena - MCR (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
12:58 pm	Argh! It pisses me off when I can't fix something. I can fix anything, dammit! I don't think Fred would appreciate it much if he saw me taking apart the $1800 printer... *sigh*. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
1:33 am	So I have a polygraph on Friday, and my background investigator will have his report done by next Friday. My new job is so close I can smell it! That doesn't mean that you can uncross your fingers just yet, as I'm sure that I have competition waiting in the wings. I've been getting really good feedback from the people at work, which is always helpful. They're supposed to do a home interview at some point during the investigation without telling you in advance so that they can catch you in your "natural habitat" like some sort of animal I suppose. Good thing my investigator isn't so slick, because he slipped up and said "I'll see you tomorrow" just before he hung up earlier. Me thinks that straightening up a bit wouldn't be such a bad idea. Cleaning at 2am... fun stuff! Erik and I went to Nicolino's for dinner on V-day. It was nice, but a bit crowded and overdone. Probably would have had just as nice of a time at home, but it's good to get out. Looking forward to Nola's on Friday for mi amigo Jesse's birthday. I miss that kid. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Little Sister - Queens of the Stone Age (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
12:49 am	!!!!!!!!!! Today was the best day EVER. I had a great day at work, my new bedroom furniture *finally* arrived, and I had an awesome surprise in the mail: a letter from the Milpitas Police Department. I haven't updated in awhile, so you probably don't know that I've been in the application process for a position in dispatch. I scored very high on the written test, and had an oral board interview in front of a panel of people a few weeks ago. I knew that I must have done well, because about a week ago I got a background package in the mail to fill out which indicated that I made it to the next phase. The letter was in regard to how I did at the oral board. I ranked number 1!!! Number freakin' one!!! Out of 200 applicants, I'm their first pick. Now, I've never done drugs (which will help in the background phase and on the polygraph), but I'm pretty freakin' high right now. Current Mood: excited (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
2:30 am	It's... Oh.... So... Quiet.......... It's hard to be the strong one when a simple moment of weakness would make someone else so happy. My older brother and his fiancee are in town for a few days, which is super exciting. I only see him a few times a year, so whenever he comes to visit, I try to soak in as much Richie-time as I can. He and my dad are my two favorite people in the entire world, and it's so good to be around them both together. I often think about moving back to San Diego just so that I can be around him more. It's also a lot closer to Costa Rica, so moving to SD next year when my dad retires doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Funny... with no TV on, no music, no neighbor-sounds trickling through the walls... I can actually hear myself think. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Absolute Silence (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
11:34 pm	Mucho Sadness It was bad enough that Lennie Briscoe retired last season, but now one of my favorite actors, Jerry Orbach, has passed on. Cheers to one of the best characters/actors television has ever and will ever see.   NEW YORK (Dec. 29) - Actor Jerry Orbach, who played a sardonic, seen-it-all cop on TV's ''Law & Order'' and scored on Broadway as a song-and-dance man, has died of prostate cancer at 69, a representative of the show said Wednesday. Orbach died Tuesday night in Manhattan after several weeks of treatment, Audrey Davis of the public relations agency Lippin Group said. When his illness was diagnosed, he had begun production on NBC's upcoming spinoff ''Law & Order: Trial By Jury,'' after 12 seasons playing Detective Lennie Briscoe in the original series. His return to the new show had been expected early next year. On Broadway, Orbach starred in hit musicals including ''Carnival,'' ''Promises, Promises'' (for which he won a Tony Award), ''Chicago'' and ''42nd Street.'' Earlier, he was in the original cast of the off-off-Broadway hit ''The Fantasticks,'' playing the narrator. The show went on to run for more than 40 years. Lights on Broadway marquees were expected to be dimmed for one minute at curtain time Wednesday night in Orbach's memory. Among his film appearances were roles in ''Dirty Dancing,'' ''Prince of the City'' and ''Crimes and Misdemeanors.'' In the animated feature ''Beauty and the Beast,'' he voiced the role of the candlestick, and got to sing a key song, ''Be Our Guest.'' Orbach is expected to appear in early episodes of ''Law & Order: Trial by Jury,'' for which he continued as Briscoe in a secondary role, when the show premieres later this season, Davis said. ''I'm immensely saddened by the passing of not only a friend and colleague, but a legendary figure of 20th century show business,'' said Dick Wolf, creator and executive producer of the ''Law & Order'' series, in a statement. ''He was one of the most honored performers of his generation. His loss is irreplaceable.'' Current Mood: sore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
1:17 am	Holy Hotness, Batman! Me thinks I need a membership here: suicidegirls.com That definitely needs to be my next coffee table book. *drool* (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
7:35 pm	I'm Not Okay Funny how the places that once seemed so inconsequential now serve no purpose but to remind you of the one you try so desperately to forget. You wanted me to make mention of the good that you do, so why don't I just mention it all? Sure, you brought me flowers... but they're wilted now along with any hope I had of a future with you. You want to spend time with me, but all you think of when I'm not around is everyone *but* me. Maybe you make the effort to show that you care as a way to justify to yourself all of the hurt that you bring. You wear me out. Just the thought of getting back into the "game" makes my stomach churn, but it's no reason to go weak and crawl back to avoid it. I was barely able to keep it together before you... before us. Now there's just one more thing to contend with when fighting back the tears. Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
3:34 am	Maybe I Shouldn't Advertise This, But... You scored as None!. You've either done a good job of avoiding drugs, aren't interested in trying them, or have had an experience that chased you away. Stay safe. :) </td> None! 75% Ecstacy 69% Alcohol 62% Cocaine 56% Inhalents 50% Mushrooms 50% Marijuana 31% What's your ideal drug? created with QuizFarm.com At least it will help on my next polygraph test. (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
12:13 pm	Somewhere, I found the strength to end it. I didn't ever think that it would come to this point, but I can't blame myself. Something that had the potential to be truly amazing has come to an end, and that is what I mourn most. Once I finally accepted that this was the way it had to be, I couldn't look back. Every other time, I decided that being without him would hurt more than having to turn a blind eye. This time, I decided to stop playing the fool and show him that his painful actions couldn't be rewarded with the continuance of our relationship. I'm going to be a mess for awhile, I admit that, but I can't let that stop me from moving on. Bah humbug. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)